Vermont Company Buys Monsonto Herbicide & GMO Seed Maker
Jun 2, 8:57 AM (ET)
By A. CORNEWALL for AQ News
MONTPELIER, VERMONT – This morning SMF Corp announced it’s successful buyout of Monsonto Industries. The closely held Vermont family company purchased Monsonto for its older recipes to use in their new sausage making enterprise but plans to discontinue all other non-essential portions of the Missouri based agri-giant.
When contacted by AQ News the president of SMF said, “We don’t see any money to be made in the GMO field with the worldwide tide against unhealthy foods so we will be cutting our losses. Monsonto was worth purchasing at its recently undervalued stock price of only 0.3¢ per share for the value of the patents they hold on vanilla.”
When asked about the rumored impending employee layoffs at Monsonto’s laboratories and corporate offices the president of SMF, M. Jefferies, replied that she was “not worried about them. She stated that she was sure they could find jobs at the new higher minimum wage at Waltmart and MacDonalds both of whom are now pledging not to use GMO products and are switching to organic rather than synthetic plastics in their milkshakes.”
Jefferies added that, “It seems ironically appropriate for Waltmart to be hiring on these scientists and administrators as checkout clerks given that it is Waltmart’s action to stop using GMOs and ban herbicides & pesticides which is what led to the downfall of Monsonto’s primary product rBSTi a few years ago. Now it is the combined market forces of Waltmart and MacDonalds that have now crushed Monsonto with their pledge not to use GMO or Roundown (Gyptophosate) products.”
The new owner of the chemical giant said there was no relationship between their purchase of Monsonto and the recent Vermont state labeling laws. “It is merely a coincidence that our firm is in the Green Mountain state doing Green things with green backs. We would have made this purchase even if we had to use colorful Canadian money. We do not care about the color of your money as long as bacon is delicious.”
When asked what farmers will do Jefferies replied with a shrug, “I guess we’ll do what we’ve always done, make do without corporate monopolies and patents on seed.” She went on to explain that SMF will be placing all of the Monsonto patents in the public domain. “Anyone can save their seed in the future, grow their own varieties and share the results. The one condition is that individual or corporation will not be allowed to file any patents derived from these seed lines. It is all open source now. Free as in speech. Beer is next.” Legal experts opined that this action could cause a small downturn in the economy as lawyers are put out of work but economists expect that new jobs in farming will more than make up for the slack.
Monsonto company spokesperson and ex-president Huge Grant separately said that they as a company are working on emergency plans under the orders of the new owners to phase out GMO seed production by years end with all Monsonto research laboratories shutting down this month before the Summer Solstice to honor Gaia. He regretted the losses but said that it was a better option than bankruptcy for the company which had once been a leader in the chemical sales field. “At least this way some part of the old company will live on as minced meat.”
Shares of Delta Bines and Downer Chemicals briefly spiked on the news of Monsonto’s sale before settling to a record low at day end trading.
Copyleft 2015 Associated Quest News. All right granted. This material may be published, broadcast, rewritten, or redistributed at your pleasure.
Outdoors: 49°F/42°F 4″ Rain
Tiny Cottage: 66°F/62°F
Daily Spark: Beware of satire, it’s good for the digestion.