FDA Bans Farming

From the FDA website:

FDA Statement:
Recommendation to Discontinue
all farming, cooking and distribution
of food immediately.

AUDIENCE: Consumer, Agriculture, Restaurant, Retail

ABSTRACT: Following implementation of the Food Safety Modernization Act which will ban cropping and the feeding of pre-consumer food wastes to livestock and stop the practices of composting food wastes the FDA has taken the next step by eliminating farming and food production altogether. Once this operational change is implemented all food will be synthesized safely in the industrial settings to control for disease. See FDA press release at attached link.

ISSUE: FDA is recommending cease eating food and switch to federally approved Public Ingestion Lipid Lozenge (PILL) feed units which will be produced under controlled laboratory and factory conditions to ensure all possible disease outcomes.

Farms growing food will have three months to comply in order to exhaust existing planted and livestock inventories.

Restaurants and retailers will have one additional month to sell any remaining natural foods left in the retail channel.

BACKGROUND: In January 2013 FDA asked manufacturers of processed food to begin investigating replacement of all natural ingredients with safer synthetic versions manufactured in controlled industrial settings. Further research led to a clear consensus that all human feed stuffs could be fabricated under government controls using principles originally developed at Pill’s Bury for NASA’s space program so as to meet the requirements of the Food Safety Modernization Act while also reducing the raw ingredients costs for manufacturers.

Following a public comment period from on February 29th of this year new federal rules were promulgated for the implementation of the full Food Safety and Modernization Act (FSMA).

RECOMMENDATION: FDA recommends that all food processors immediately begin the change over from natural to synthetic ingredients ahead of the scheduled shutdown of the USDA agricultural units also known as farms.

COMPENSATION: Farmers who make the transition before the deadline will be compensated with a T-1% loan against remaining inventory and coordinated with regional real estate developers for maximizing the economic value of their farm land divisions.

Farmers, food processors and restaurants are encouraged to report incidences of continued planting of crops and breeding of livestock to:

  • Complete and submit a online report;
  • Downloadable form or;
  • Call the Funky Duck Agency (FDA) to request a reporting form, then complete and return notarized form in triplicate using blue ink and a copy of your birth certificate and drivers license along with a required submission fee to the address on the pre-addressed form. Please allow eight weeks for processing.

[04/01/2014 –  FDA Statement]

About Walter Jeffries

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8 Responses to FDA Bans Farming

  1. Sal says:

    And Happy April Fools Day back atcha!

  2. Sharon says:

    Wow! You got my heart going! I was thinking, “Soylent Green!”

  3. Pam R. says:

    Not such an April Fool! National Geographic had an April article on page 27:

    Liquid Asset

    Rob Rhinehart thinks the future of food isn’t in farms and animal husbandry. When the computer programmer didn’t want to spend the time or money on traditional meals anymore, he created another option “by breaking food down to a molecular level.” After several months of research into what human cells are made of and what they produce, Rhinehart ended up with a thick, bland liquid with a slightly chemical aftertaste he calls “soylent”. It has more than 30 ingredients, including calcium carbonate, copper, and selenium.

    Cost and efficiency aren’t Rhinehart’s only drivers. He hopes soylent might bolster nutrition in food-scarce areas. “Food produced independently of agriculture could be a lot more sustainable,” he says. “And there’d be plenty to go around.”

    • Aye, I’ve seen articles of that – that was rather the point of my April Fools joke.

      Rhinehart’s kind ignore how ultimately unsustainable their lab produced foods are in reality. The fact is, nothing is more sustainable than nature which turns sunlight, water and soil into high quality foods. Laboratory and industrial food processing take far greater inputs of resources and energy. When they talk about how ‘efficient’ they are they ignore all their waste and fail to acknowledge that in natural farming the ‘wastes’ aren’t wastes at all but rather looping resources within the system (e.g., grass->animal->manure->grass…).

      When one little kink occurs in the complex manufacturing process of PILLs and Soylent they will be history. With their proposed methods they’ll lose not just real sustainability but also the knowledge and infrastructure necessary to bring farming back online. Without natural food production – e.g., farming, hunting, gathering, livestock and such – to fall back on they will cause the next great collapse of civilization. They won’t be able to feed the billions so most of the worlds population will starve and die, quickly. Remember what it is like in the cities after each disaster such as Katrina, Sandy, etc. This will be far, far worse.

      After their fall all that will be left will be those few people who choose to continue farming on the small scale basis, preserving the knowledge that doesn’t require high infrastructure and indigenous peoples that were outside the industrial loop.

      As to his claim that “there’d be plenty to go around” – that is bogus. There is already plenty of food. We produce far more food than the world’s population. The issue is distribution and it is primarily hampered by greedy warlords and regional fighting. What is worse is that once the Big Corp chemical companies have a monopoly on food manufacturing like Rhinehart wants they will then control the price and extract the maximum dollars. Greed will rule even worse than it does now with the consolidations we’ve seen in Big Ag. Until the kink in their system brings them all tumbling down and with them will die most of the world’s population. In the end, Rhinehart’s kind will be the greatest murder’s in history.

      Keep farming so you can be the solution in the next cycle. Farm like the future depends on it – because it does.

  4. I’m glad I already knew it was April Fools Day. This is one of my nightmares. When I ran my child care center, the children and I would usually end the day by walking over to visit the pigs and toss them all the peelings and left overs that weren’t eaten that day. We talked about what was going to happen to the pigs soon and why they were being raised. One little girl of about 6 or 7 told her Mom she wished we could make food in a test tube so the pigs wouldn’t have to die. It really upset me that with all the knowledge she had–test tubes and science–she didn’t have a connection with her food. It was okay to eat meat from the supermarket or a test tube but not meat that she had met personally. Of course, the only opportunities people have with animals these days are pets that are treated like human components of the family. This makes eating your livestock akin to cannibalism. And I actually had one mother (I want to say an educated person, she’s an attorney) tell me that I ate my pets to which I quickly corrected her that I loved my animals and raised them well but they were most definitely not pets, they were livestock. She admitted she ate meat from the grocery store but “that was different.” I felt hog-tied (sorry) because I wanted to tell the children about how that supermarket meat is produced by science in confined feeding operations, etc., what they were fed and the conditions while not getting in trouble with parents. Now that I do not have that problem anymore, I tell everybody. It still amazes me how people can go “ooh gross” and then go right back to the supermarket and eat it again.

    Thank you so much for your good work. I have referred many a budding homesteader who wants to try pigs to your website for an excellent education. I hope this April Fools joke stays just that and never becomes reality. Looking forward to seeing you soon when we pick up piglets.

  5. Dave says:

    Good joke! Good discussion! People are becoming too disconnected from their food. Factories can’t really do it all.

  6. Annette says:

    You had me chuckling the whole way through. I always look forward to your April posts! Keep up the humor and dont let the government gnomes get you down!

  7. Belseth says:

    Sadly it’s more truth than April fools. The government has no problem with corporate farms raising animals in cesspools but the small farmers need to raise animals under laboratory conditions. Virtually the entire “food safety bill” is aimed at the small farmers but does NOTHING to address the real problem, the filthy conditions corporate farms raise animals under. Small farmers are something like 3% of the market but even that is too much to the corporate farmers so bills like this are to get rid of competition.

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