The Apple pPod

iWill be Jacked-in with the new Apple pPod

In late breaking news on their corporate birthday Apple Computer today released the revolutionary pPod integrated implantable networked computer, music player and video device. Now you will be able to jack in and be connect to everyone, anywhere, all the time.

I was a recipient of an early version of the pPod prior to the death of Steve Jobs and have been testing it out for the last year and a quarter. To say I am very pleased with my pPod is to put it mildly!

The pPod, to get into the technical details, is a 32 stacked core 128b CRISP architecture built on 3D corrugated hybrid silicon-sapphire substrate with Fully Reprogrammable Arrays Gates (FRAGs) so that the hardware is actually upgradable through firmware downloads. This is the end of obsolescence and gives new meaning to Hack the Core. In the future you won’t be contributing to ePollution by discarding your electronic gadgets because the latest and greatest features can simply be added by upgrading the low level gate array logic reconfiguring the hardware for new functionality. This signals a big transition from dependence on hardware sales to OS upgrades and content sales. Apple has been moving in this direction for years with their App Store. The new CRISP-FRAGs technology take this to the logical next step.

Retinal Displays have been all the vogue with Apple’s recent iPhone and iPad 3 hardware. This trend continues with the pPod but is accelerated using the new Fovial Optical Nerve Display Unit technology (FONDU). The pPod hooks directly into the visual centers of your brain eliminating the need for a physical display screen, saving weight, energy and space. All of this allows the pPod to be a much smaller and lower powered device.

The power savings means that Apple’s new pPods don’t need batteries as they run off of body heat and bio-electricity generated by your own cells. This saves 27% of the cost of manufacturing, eliminates replacement battery issues and avoids environmental pollution related to battery manufacturing and disposal making another green Apple product. In fact, Apple is so green they’ve changed their logo to be a green Granny Smith apple on the new products. (Please note that the pPod will introduce small amounts of chlorophyl into your skin giving you a slight greenish hue but this greatly increases your solar energy gain and is not an inconvenience for most people.)

You won’t be seeing that logo on anything but the ads, the packaging or if you look behind your ear with a mirror because Apple’s new pPod implants directly inside the left lateral cavity in the middle of your brain. This wasted hollow space is normally filled with unnecessary cerebrospinal fluid. The tiny pPod will even fit into the smallest human brain so soon politicians can use it too. This central location also gives direct access to the Corpus callosum and the full range of sensory systems providing high fidelity audio, smell-a-vision and surround touchi-matic.

With the internalization of the device Apple has developed a new user interface that gets away from the archaic gestures of previous iOS devices. The new enhanced operating system detects facial movements and is called iGRIMACE™. Older gesture based commands will still work while consumers transition to the new interface.

The new thought recognition system means no more carpel tunnel syndrome from over typing. You just think and it comes out your earMail. This completely eliminates the possibility of ever missing a phone call, tweet or email again. Note that some people may want to install optional spume filters between their ears to avoid social blunders. Of course, handling all that incoming data may prove challenging as spam has demonstrated so all pPods will ship with a built in digital agent named HAL. Rest assured that the bugs have been worked out of this version so he no longer locks people outside the space ship. In the event that you do find yourself out of your mind, simply press the green reset button located behind your left hear.

Game makers are extremely excited by the possibilities presented with the new pPod direct mental interface. Now you can see, hear, taste, touch and feel your way through games. With pPod iImagination wetware drivers using the new 4D Sensory Overload Interface Library (SOIL) your imagination need no longer be a limiting factor. “This could lead to a whole cottage industry for new titles with the record and play back features of the pPod.” said an excited Milton Ervile of PDQSimulation Games Corp of Austin, Texas. “Now people can feel what it is like to actually climb a mountain, jump of a cliff, skydive from space, fight trolls and swim 20,000 leagues under the sea.”

GPS, WiFiMAX, 4G, LTE and XYZ are all standard communications features in the new pPod meaning you’ll always know where you are anywhere on the planet and you’ll always be able to communicate. (Some restrictions apply. Additional fees will be incurred. Reception may be spotty in rural areas.)

Says Hope Jeffries, age 8, of her new pPod, “I just love being able to access the web from anywhere on our mountain. It lets me follow our Kickstarting the Butcher Shop project in real time! She goes on to explain, “Now I can do my schoolwork when I’m out sitting on top of Big Rock on Bear Ridge while tending the pigs in the high meadows of our farm. It’s really cool!”

pPods are available with and without the optional earJack which allows you to share your music, videos and games with friends using an fiber-optic cable. 3rd party accessories are expected to be announced for jacking in to home theater, car stereo and game consoles.

The pPod comes with a 1.5 Penta Byte Joule quantum quartz memory cube standard. Optional upgrades to 3 PB&J and 6 PB&J are available for peanuts but must be ordered a-head prior to installation.

All pPods come with a one year warrantee (3 years in Europe) which can be extended to three years (lifetime in Europe) for just $349. The pPod contains no user serviceable parts. The warrantee is only valid if installed by a Apple licensed technician, er, surgeon.

To maximize security and minimize costs of production Apple has shifted their manufacturing to abandoned IBM chip plant located in the third world country of Vermont (recently succeeded from the previously United States of America). Vermont’s President Shumlin welcomed Apple’s major investment in his country and applauded them for providing jobs in rural areas, upgrading technology infrastructure and bringing the newly founded country of Vermont into the 21st Century. “We look forward to becoming a world power in the new global economy” said Shumlin in an address to board members at the ribbon cutting ceremony. “I am also hoping the Apple’s board of directors will pave the way into the future with some road projects which would greatly help with mud season.” In order to provide sufficient power for the old IBM chip plant President Shumlin announced that Vermont has nationalized the previous Entergy nuclear power plant, Vermont Yankee. Entergy was paid a sum of $1vt in compensation.

Shipments of the new Apple pPod are expected to begin April 16th, 2012. Make an appointment with your surgeon now!

Outdoors: 35°F/19°F Funny & Sunny
Tiny Cottage: 72°F/64°F

Daily Spark: On Earth, we have a saying: Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. -Scotty and others

If you enjoyed this post then you also may be interested in past April Fools fun and satire.

About Walter Jeffries

Tinker, Tailor...
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11 Responses to The Apple pPod

  1. Judy says:

    LOL…. back at ya! Happy AFD to you too!

  2. JohnL says:

    Walter, sometimes I worry about you!

    • No worries. The surgery went wonderful. I’m grooving. :)

      You know, the government wanted to chip people (Thompson) and animals (NAIS) but they were going about it all wrong. They should have made it voluntary with some cool feature like playing music. Then people would want it and even pay for it. Just look at all the people with cellphones glued to their head! :)

  3. Sean says:

    It’s going to be hard to get this through the FDA as even a non medical device.

    That being said, it maybe coming to your local electronics store soon.

    • Maybe that was why Apple moved production to the newly independent country of Vermont so they could avoid the FDA. Probably they’ll import it and consumers can get it implanted separately. With Steve Job’s genius he probably figured a way around this such as making the unit be useable outside but optionally implantable. Something I’m sure. :)

  4. H says:

    When’s the last time that mole was checked? Assuming that is one of you guys. It’s what I do.

    • *grin* It is very irregular and of quite the coloration, no?! Funny side story, I walked up to Will, said “Hold still” and painted that on his scalp behind his ear. He had no idea what I had done. He’s very trusting. Reasonably so. We have a rule that April Fools jokes can’t be cruel or hurt someone and if you make a mess you must clean it up. His was but a temporary tattoo. :) I suppose the jack is a bit more permanent…

  5. Jeff says:

    I almost Peed, reading about he new pod.
    Your creativity in all things, is AMAZING.

  6. Tabatha says:

    This is just too funny! Okay, I want a pPod too!!

  7. Nicola Cunha says:

    I came across this while randomly looking at old posts. I’m a sucker. I believed it to be 95% true until I got to the part about Hope. Then I scrolled to the comments and saw the date. You got me on Jan. 23! Nice one! Really well-written!

  8. Jed says:

    Ha-ha. Love it. Can’t wait to see this year’s joke!

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