FMD in our Capital

Foot & Mouth Disease in our Capital

WASHINGTON — Widespread outbreaks of Foot-in-Mouth Disease (FMD) have prompted government officials to shut down all transportation of workers in the tri-state DC metro area in order to prevent this tragic infestation from spreading to other states as Congress breaks for the summer. Police and transit authorities backed by the National Guard have setup road blocks and housing along major travel routes. Smaller roads are being patrolled to prevent escapes as the heat climbs.

This could not have come at a more inopportune time because millions of potential carriers must now be quarantined in Washington, DC over the summer heat wave. The only alternative is depopulation, a move secretary Vilsack said was “undesirable but may be necessary to protect the nation’s supply of politicians from infection.” He went on to say that “the national herd must be protected so that we can maintain the confidence of our export markets.” When asked to expand on where we were exporting politicians to he admitted that it was primarily short term gigs to Bermuda and the like. “The Japanese and European Parliaments don’t want our mild mannered breeds of politicians. They have their own shoe bangers and fist brawling types that ours just can’t compete against. But we must be ready for when we do have an exportable politician! It could happen. It could!” Sure, Tom, sure thing.

When asked about symptoms of FMD veterinarian Leo Chompin said “The silent first stage infection is invisible which is what makes this disease so insidious. However, the second stage infection is quite easy to tell if a politician has FMD – they’ll have one or both feet in their mouth. Sometimes a hand as well. Some of them are two-faced so this is quite easily accomplished. They drool a lot too. It is really quite disgusting. Fortunately they can’t talk and have FMD at the same time so this place actually gets very quiet during these outbreaks.” Dr. Chompin was one of the point men during the eradication effort in 1992 and again in 2008. “It was a mess but we had to do what we had to do to save the nation’s political body. Even if that meant deposing of perfectly healthy politicians because they could have been infected and spread that to others when they went home for the session break. I’m just glad we caught it in time!” When asked if he thought that this outbreak would result in a similar switch in party power Chompin said that it could go either way. “We’ll try to save them if we can but we can’t take the risk of having these infected animals get out in the wild. Really, it is for their own good. We will do what is right and be very humane about it.”

Expert sources pointed out that FMD is not actually lethal in most cases but just temporarily reduces the efficiency of politicians by making them not want to shake hands or talk. Some people have suggested that this is even a desirable situation. After three to six months the sores heal and the politicians are able to speak almost as well as before although, admittedly, their ability to lie is severely limited.

Vaccinations have been available for FMD for over a decade but resistance to vaccine use is high for political economic reasons and due to side effects. In the normal course of events many ex-politicians become lobbyists. As Senator Cow Ward of Neveraskagain put it, “How do I know that a serum positive lobbyist is truly safe due to vaccination or just a carrier of this terrible disease? I mean, think! He could infect me. Far better to kill off the infected ones in DC and then bring in new stock with more desirable engineered opinions.” Senator Ward spoke by phone from his home outside Bilge Bulge, having left the session early and avoided the quarantine blockade. One of the side effects of the vaccines for FMD is that the vaccines act like a truth serum. It is speculated that this may be the major reason that politicians oppose mandatory vaccinations.

When asked how long the quarantine would last Dr. Devorkianinski of the CDC was evasive. “At least two to three months,” he pustulated, “depending of course on the, er, die off we see, in the, um, disease vectors. It could be longer. Excuse me now, I have a patient to drip.”

Several organizations have pointed out that if the 1974 National Identification and Tracking of Politicians In Kindergarden (NITPIK) plan had been implemented we would now have a better way of tracing epidemics like this and protecting our valuable political asses. Just to remind those who may have forgotten, NITPIK was a government backed program where radio transmitters were to be implanted into the skulls of all kintergardeners so that those who became politicians could be appropriately tracked and monitored through their development. Admittedly the early dish array microwave transmitters were expensive and uncomfortable with their six foot dish antennas but advances in technology would have been made reducing their size and cost. This “keeping-an-eye-on-them” would have prevented many of the scandals we see in the tabloid newspapers as well as letting us do necessary culling in the event of disease outbreak in our state and nation’s capitol.

Lecturing Pigs on Socio-Political Economic Systems

Some organizations like the National Porkers Board draw a parrallel between NITPIK and NAIS pointing out that they need to be tracking even pigs and chickens in people’s backyards in order to prevent politicians from catching FMD. This is, of course, absurd. Equally absurd is the Porker’s attempt to rename NAIS to MAIS as if a simple change of one letter will confuse and confound their opponents. What do they think we are? Failed sixth graders?

This started out as a cartoon that Ben drew. It was such a great one that I just had to write a story to go with it. I hope you have enjoyed it. Don’t worry though. Only politicians at the state and national levels can catch FMD. It has rarely been found in local politicians and never in the general population – as far as I know…

Outdoors: 75°F/48°F Sunny
Tiny Cottage: 73°F/72°F

Daily Spark: Ideots substitute ideology for thinking.

About Walter Jeffries

Tinker, Tailor...
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8 Responses to FMD in our Capital

  1. David Lloyd Sutton says:

    Oh, I so very much wish they were exportable . . .

  2. jojo says:

    laugh out loud the kind not worthy of an acronym.

    walter do you have too much time on your hands? needless. brilliantly funny. Great artist #2 in the family is popping up. I passed this on to everyone i can think of. :)

  3. Is Ben a future political commentator? Perhaps a comedian?

  4. Marie says:

    Thanks for the laugh! Who knew the pigs were such attentive students…

  5. Allan says:

    Damn strait that we Europeans don’t want your mild mannered politicos. If they can’t throw shoes then send them back to kindergarden and put surplus satellite dishes on them. At least you already know they’re politicians. That saves tagging all the excess children.

  6. James Parker says:


    I read your post.. I also so very much wish they were exportable . . .
    go forth and keep writing.

    Chef Gulzar

  7. Mic says:

    What I want to know is how did you get all those pigs trained to sit like that!!!!! I can not for the life of me get one dog trained to sit or come for me and youve got doezens of pigs sitting and paying attention as you lecture them about politics. Now I know why your farm is so good. You have the pigs doing the work. Creepy idea…… Will the pigs work in the botcher shop?

  8. I don’t think the USDA will allow them to work in the cutting room although there is a slaughterhouse where a young goat has a supervisory job on the kill floor. His name is Earl, not Judas. It may be one of those cross species outreach training programs that are trying to encourage diversity in the work place. Hey, stop throwing tomatoes! I’m not kidding!

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