The Breast Ice Cream in Vermont

Pregnant Sow Bagging Up

This was in our local paper:

“The breast is best!” wrote PETA Executive Vice President Tracy Reiman in the letter to the company [Ben & Jerry’s Ice Cream]. “Won’t you give cows and their babies a break and our health a boost by switching from cow’s milk to [human] breast milk in Ben & Jerry’s ice cream?”
Rutland Herald

You gotta admit it’s an titillating idea… Due to limits on supply I suspect Ben & Jerry’s would be best to just offer a premium ice cream selection along this line for budding breast connoisseurs. Of course, they would want only the finest ingredients so they would have Naturally Grown for their, er, contributing herds. Then they could advertise “Beyond Organic – Free Ranged Women on Mountain Pastures of Vermont” or something like that.

Heck, there’s already the “Mothers Milk Ice Cream Company in Florida. Before you know it Shaws and Wal-Mart will be carrying rBGH-free human breast milk in their dairy section. We would start seeing little creamers of it at the diner. It would be everywhere! A bit of demand would pump up the price for wholesome breast milk. This would allow nursing mothers and rural families far from the city pollution to earn some extra income. Where do we sign-up? :)

Now, if a family has more than one wife they could double output. Hmm… Three, four… Interesting possibilities… :) Is PETA pro- or con- on the topic of polygamy? Vermont has passed Civil Unions, so why not go the next step? All for a good cause, of course. This will give the ladies more time to get out in the fresh country air. Communes perhaps? La Leche Cooperatives?

On our pastures we run one male for every fifteen or so women, er, sows. Similar ratios are used for cattle, sheep, goats, ducks and chickens. Of course, this means we have to think about all those ‘extra’ males… Jihads, crusades and war have been been the traditional use. I wonder if PETA is really thinking as far ahead as they should.

Of course, all this runs totally counter to PETA’s other objective of reducing the human population. While a woman can breast feed for 4 to 6 years easily, she does need to be rebred sooner to maximize productivity. That means more babies and a faster growing world population. Unless PETA has another solution for babies we don’t even want to think about here…

Still, it’s going to be hard to compete with ol’Bessy for production as she has four teats. Even better might be pig milk ice cream. Our sows have fourteen to sixteen teats and some of them bag up as big as cows. They don’t mind a bit sharing as they co-nurse already as the well endowed Jolie discussed in her movie premier interview. An average litter is only eight to ten piglets so that leaves four to eight tits for ice cream production without ‘stealing’ any from the piglets. I’ll have to talk with them, the sows, about this new opportunity to see if they want in.

So, I’m wondering aloud here, does PETA VP Tracy Reiman breast feed? What’s her daily output like? How many times a day is she milked? Does she prefer hand milking or a vacuum pump? How much is she asking per gallon? Wholesale, of course. Is she willing to put her lactation on the line? Details, details… They left so much of the interesting stuff out of that press release.

Sorry, silicone need not apply – just all naturals. :)

I must admit this has got to be one of PETA’s more amusing stunts. They tried another that just didn’t get as much attention here in Vermont:

This is not the first time that PETA has tried to influence Vermont. Previously, two volunteers from the organization posed nude in downtown Brattleboro in a rally against the use of furs made from animals.
Rutland Herald

PETA hotties baring it all are like background noise. They just don’t get it that appearing nude in Brattleboro isn’t really all that big a deal. If they really wanted to be noticed they should have picked a different city, one that hasn’t traditionally had so many nudists hanging out in downtown. Given that there seems to be a fair number of nudists minding their own business on streets, trails and beaches in Vermont maybe the PETA boobs just can’t make much of a wave with demonstrations like that. Then there are all the nude, bare-it-all, risque calendars put out for charity fund raising in Vermont. Heck, there’s even a Naked Bike Ride in the capital of Montpelier, VT. Nude PETA celebrities just aren’t all that risque. Now, if they would come help with chores in January in a 40 mph wind, that would get them some attention – from the emergency room for frost bite!

Outdoors: 69°F/34°F Overcast today, most days sunny, threat of light rain
Farm House: 73°F/62°F Greenhouse level dug out
Tiny Cottage: 67°F/62°F

About Walter Jeffries

Tinker, Tailor...
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14 Responses to The Breast Ice Cream in Vermont

  1. Anonymous says:

    Yor a riot walt!

    BTW did you know WAL-MARTS can be rearranged to spell SMART-LAW

    SHAWS becomes WASHS

    PETA becomes TAPE

    What fun!

  2. N. Henderson says:

    So where do I place my preorders????!!!!!

  3. Deb says:

    This is too funny. Too bad I dried up my supply a few years ago!

  4. Anonymous says:

    so, how many women in my harem… er, i mean… how big a herd do you need to get a property tax agricultural exemption?


  5. Mellifera says:

    Oh my… you know, I’ve actually thought it wouldn’t be a bad idea. You see, there are grown-up suburban debutantes all over town who got boob jobs when they were 18 and it was all the rage, and now they’re 28 and breastfeeding is all the rage. Only they can’t ’cause their boobs don’t work anymore thanks to surgical intervention. (But fear not! They’re married to Mr. Moneybags and that’ll fix everything!) Enter the the Mormon grad school mom who doesn’t smoke, drink, or have any weird diseases and would really love a family-friendly way to make some extra income… and is pretty sure it’s not expressly illegal (yet).

    The real obstacle in this enterprise is, of course, making the connection to the customer. What do you do? Hang around outside Whole Foods in a trenchcoat waiting for pregnant ladies with fake noses to walk by? “Pssst! Hey lady! I got what you need!”


    (Believe it or not nannies who just happen to breastfeed are making a comeback. There was an article about it in the NYTimes that I just tried to find again, but couldn’t. “Nanny” and “breasts” are apparently very frequent entries in the Times vocabulary and there was quite a bit to slog through.)

  6. Brian says:

    Don’t laugh, I have alreay interviewd at Ben and Jerry’s to be the lead milker when they get this up and running!! Thanks PETA finlaly a job that wont get the breast of me.

  7. Hi Walter,
    How are you? Just dropping by to tell you that I made a surprise to my friends on my blog and I think you will like it. If you have the time, please, come to see…

    Have a lovely weekend.

  8. Anonymous says:

    Just found your site and I love it. Your a funny guy, but unfortunely these people can get out of hand.

  9. paulina says:

    You messed my keyboard up again!!!!! Oh my that was soooo funny! You are a real hoot! So now I know how to earn a little extra moola. Thanks for the laughs!

  10. Hi Paulina,
    This is Holly. That is just too funny. When Walter showed me this post, before putting it onto the blog, I told him that it was going to be another “tea spewer”! I’m sorry. These things really ought to come with a warning:
    “Be fore-warned. This post may cause reader to spew. This is a friendly recommendation that you put down your drink before reading further.” : )

  11. Leon says:

    That was very funny but what I liked even more – that clearly shows the difference in how people who actually live with the animals every day and people who only see them in cartoons understand them. You didn’t even make anything up – you just developed their own idea!

    I’m sure PETA started with good intentions but since they’re too lazy to learn they’re effectively the worst thing that ever happened to the animals defense movement because PETA “knows” animals as Disney portrays them, so they say and do a lot of stupid things and then anyone who says anything about protecting animals gets lumped up with those kens and barbies. People really need to learn about the issues they care before they open their mouth or take their clothing off. It’s getting ridiculous how separated people have became from the very things that feed us. A few days ago we had an appraiser from Tampa here and when I told him to be careful because there is a pretty aggressive cow (who also just had a calf a week ago) out there in the pasture he thought I’m pulling his leg. Cows are supposed to be always cute and nice, right? I mean, check any cartoon – they dance and sing and what not. The fact that this a real live animal with a mind of her own that can move her 1000 pounds or so (pointy things on the front end, too) with a pretty decent speed and crush pretty much anything it really wants to crush just doesn’t register with these people. Arrghhhh.

    P.S. I’m a lurker but I’ve been enjoying your posts for a long time – always informative, always useful. Thanks!Actually thinking about getting some pigs to add to the mix here, too :)

  12. EJ says:

    Why do men always only think of polygamy as system with more men than women?

    Remembering that we are mammals might help people to consider more human treatment of animals….wouldn’t it be great if there wre more farmers like you out there?

  13. pat says:

    I prefer the other PETA – People for the Eating of Tasty Animals.
    By the way, PETA is a private company, no one sees how the donation money is spent, and they want to eliminate all domesticated animals – pets (that is everyone’s dogs and cats) and farm animals. Not to mention research animals – no hip replacements, no new vaccines, no disease research, thank you PETA. And no hunting or trapping – so what do we do with all the rural/suburban deer that have huge numbers because their predators are gone, and they starve in a deep snow winter? Sorry about the rant, you hit a sore spot.

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