Long Pig chewing on a Stump in the South Field
Loin, Tenderloin, Ham, Boston Butt, Belly – these are the top sellers on swine, the high-on-the-hog items that everyone wants. With this in mind we have spent years breeding for length. Spot, one of our top breeder boars, was 12′ long. That’s some pig! He topped out at 1,700 lbs of lean muscle.
The butcher who saw one of Spot’s sons commented in surprise: “That pig’s so long he’s a choo-choo train, he just keeps on coming!” as the boar in question walked in through the loading door.
There is a problem though with ultra long pigs, and Spot personified this. When they get too long there isn’t enough support in the middle. It becomes a basic suspension bridge spanning problem. They walk across the field with waves of motion traveling down their long spines like some sort of Chinese dragon.
We never quite reached the Dr. Seussian issue of having to prop up their middles with crutches like in some of his drawings. Still, a few extra legs wouldn’t hurt. They would support that extra length and then there would be additional hams for Easter.
With this in mind I present Spider Pig† the world’s first eight foot pig. Through the miracle of modern genetic engineering we were able to make that leap to extra legs utilizing DNA from the South American Tarantula Theraphosa blondi. As a side benefit, the meat tastes like a cross between pork and lobster.
By starting with this super sized dinner plate spanning spider and crossing him with the genetics from our Mainline herd in the long line of long pigs descended from Spot we were able to create 16′ long hogs that don’t break in the middle!
These four extra legs offer additional support and as an added bonus this breeding line comes with 32 teats and six uteruses for extra piglets per litter using a continuous production mode of one litter per month needing to rebreed only every six months. This way they always have some in the oven.
Spider pig hams will be ready for Easter 2014.
Outdoors: 451°F/-459.67°F Funny
Tiny Cottage: 66°F/62°F
†Patent Pending. Spider Pigs are limited to northern mountain climates due to the excess heat output from the additional locomotion and longer digestive system. We expect to have a version 2.0 available for hotter climates in time for Global Warming.
Daily Spark: Don’t be illuminated by confusion.